Saying “no” is hard. It’s one of the most direct negative words in our language, associated with other, darker negatives like “bad” and “wrong”. In our media and entertainment, good guys agree, while villains refuse. Most of the people who advocate saying no to the needs or requests of others are often perceived as the kind of hard-nosed, competitive business-types that we respect for their success but wouldn’t really want to hang out with.
Despite these hardwired associations, we can’t -and shouldn’t- say yes to everything. Last year, I made a goal to say “no” more frequently for the sake of my writing career. My intention had been to give myself more time for my writing while only doing those events and appearances that would be of significant benefit. But I wasn’t expecting the unprecedented number of requests from a variety of Cons, writing conferences, and author appearances. Everyone seemed to want to hear what I had to say, and with stars in my eyes, I agreed.
The result was a schedule that was choked with events, many of them requiring me to give presentations two, three, or four times a day, often for several days in a row. When I wasn’t presenting, I was usually manning a table in the vendor areas, trying to look pleasant as hundreds of strangers avoided eye contact as they walked past. To cut costs, I stayed in the homes of friends and acquaintances or commuted several hours a day between my home and the various venues. My meals usually consisted of protein bars and beef jerky, and I got very good at making sandwiches in the backseat of my car.
I wish I could say that my increase in effort resulted in an equal increase in success, but that wasn’t the case. While I did have some events that raised the bar on book sales and elevated me to a new level of speaker fees, the majority of the events I agreed to do ended as losses, some of them devastatingly so. Even worse was the time that I spent away from my family, friends, and writing, all of which I missed dearly.
Eventually, I couldn’t maintain the pace I’d set for myself. I got terribly sick two days before a Con and had to miss all three days of the event along with the six panels I was scheduled to be on. I had literally reached the point that I had to say no, and while I felt irrationally guilty about it, there was a definite sense of peace and validation that came from it. I found that I had realized something profound. There are two sides to every decision, and saying “no” to something means we are saying “yes” to something else.
With my calendar temporarily clear, I’m now making plans for 2017. I’ll certainly be busy, but I’ll be giving priority to those things that matter. Family, friends, writing, my faith, volunteer work, and the kind of events that will make good financial sense. This will mean saying “no” to some very nice people, but it also will mean saying “yes” to the things that I want my life to be about. I’m going to say “yes” to me.
